Hidden in Plain Sight

This is the story of three mothers and their love for their family. You may be wondering how this relates to Crohn’s or any other chronic illness. Well, let me tell you . . . when you have a chronic illness, you may be the patient, but, it’s not all about you.

I have had Crohn’s for almost 28 years. In that time, I have been in and out of the hospital many times; had four major surgeries; five or six outpatient surgeries; 30+ procedures; IV infusions; and, countless shots, lab work and appointments. Nothing hurts more than the look of disappointment from your child because you can’t do something they want to do. Through the sacrificial love all mothers have for their children, I have gone out shopping with my daughter or gone to a concert with my son when I had a flare and should have stayed home. I would rather grin and bear it once in awhile in exchange for quality time with my children.

We are always our mother’s child. I was almost 25 years old and married when I was diagnosed with Crohn’s. My mom has been there supporting me and helping me and making her own sacrifices.

My mom has cancelled trips; stayed with me in the hospital; and, taken me to appointments. She has cooked meals; washed my clothes; and, cleaned my house. And, at the last minute, she has dropped everything to take care of my children. I know it hurts my heart when my children are sick. I can only imagine what it’s like to see your adult child in pain and rolling into surgery. I hope she knows how much I appreciate her sacrifices.

Some family you’re born into and some come later through marriage. My mother in-law has treated me as her own from the day I met her. She has made sacrifices to take care of me, too. She has taken me to appointments; taken care of my children; and, stayed with me in the hospital. And, she has even helped with wound care after surgery. Never once has she acted like I was a burden. Another example of sacrificial love.

Reflection: At some point, we all make sacrifices for others. If we’re lucky, we have been blessed by the sacrifices others have made for us.

“Two roads diverged and I, I took the one less traveled by.” This is my favorite quote from one of my favorite poems by Robert Frost. The name of the poem is actually “The Road Not Taken”. However, I never looked at it that way. I like to think of the road that WAS taken and why.

Whatever life deals us, we always have a choice. Sometimes the road less traveled is taking a leap of faith. And, sometimes, the road less traveled is doing what is safe and comfortable.

I have always loved books. I love to read! Books allow us to travel to places we might otherwise never visit. Books can also inspire us to take the road less traveled.

I’m sure I wrote at least one paper on this poem when I was in high school. At that time, I saw the two roads differently than I do, now. Then, my image of the two roads was a Y-intersection with a large tree between the roads. The two roads were different but parallel.

As the seasons of my life change, I see that the paths we’re faced with do not always parallel each other.

Taking the path less traveled by has made all the difference in the world to me. Each event in our life is like a domino tapping the next action. We can’t see the connection. Only God knows how the whole game will play out.

I struggled a little bit in college. Never giving up, I completed my classes through independent study. This was before online classes. However, if I had not moved home while completing my independent study classes, I might not have met my husband. We met when we were both working at The Holly Inn in Pinehurst, NC.

I studied journalism at The University of North Carolina. I had dreams of writing a novel. At one time, I had thought I would be a television journalist or write for a newspaper. That was in the early 1990s. Once I was diagnosed with Crohn’s, my dreams changed. I decided to live in the same area I grew up in. It was important for me to be close to family. I later learned just how important it was to have family close by when I was sick. For many years, I was guilty that I had let my writing dreams die. Crohn’s had killed my dream. Finally, with the support of a few friends, I decided to write this blog. So, the very thing I thought had killed my writing dream had resurrected my dream. I was told to write what you know. That’s what I’m doing. There is a time and a season for everything. Now, is my season and God’s timing. Everything in God’s timing.

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I, I took the one less traveled by. And, that has made all the difference.

Taking a different path can turn out to be the right path.

Reflection: What road will you take? How will it make a difference? How will you make a difference?

It was a beautiful day at the beach. We were vacationing with my husband’s aunt and uncle at their beach home in Atlantic Beach. The guys had taken the boat out, fishing. The girls were planning some time on the beach. Sounded relaxing. I was looking forward to the ocean breeze. Suddenly, it hit me . . . Crohn’s had other plans for my afternoon . . . imagine the worse case of diarrhea you’ve ever had, plus, nausea and abdominal pain.

More times than not, my daughter and the rest of my family had heard “change of plans”. Thankfully, they all understand. I can give my husband a look and he knows to stop whatever we’re doing and take me home. One of the really bad side effects of this disease is how it affects those we love.

So, I spent that beautiful afternoon at the beach in the house, curled up on the couch while my daughter played on the beach with my husband’s aunt. Thank God for family who can be there when I can’t.

I try to keep my change of plans from changing the plans of my family and friends.

A silver lining has been that when I have a flare up, my children have enjoyed extra time with their grandparents or other extended family.

Reflection: What change in your life turned out to be a positive that you thought would be a negative?

• 

Faith means believing that God who loves you and knows ALL things has placed you in this world, at this time and in these circumstances for a reason. Everything that happens to us, happens for a reason. Everything we witness, happens for a reason. We are being educated and tested as beings every day and in every way.

So, based on this meaning of faith, everything happens for a reason . . . EVERYTHING. This includes the diagnosis of a chronic autoimmune disease like Crohn’s. Or, it can also be a chance encounter with a stranger at the post office. Each interaction is meaningful, even if you don’t know the meaning. The little happenings that we don’t know the reason or the meaning of are precisely the events that give our life meaning.

I was in a Bible study once where we talked about God-incidences instead of coincidences. I have had many God-incidences in my life.

Because of Crohn’s, my path has crossed with many people I would not have met, otherwise. I have always believed I was dealt this hand so I could help others. There have been a few people who have helped me, too.

After my very first surgery, the nurses asked me to go down the hall to see another patient who needed some encouragement. Years later, I was having another surgery and I was the one who needed some encouragement. I was thankful for another patient who helped me.

People come into and go out of our lives during different seasons of our life. I used to think it was because I didn’t do enough to keep up the friendship. I later realized it was out of my control. God puts people in our lives when we need them. Or, when they need us. Sometimes, this is for a short time. Other times, the friends are for a lifetime.

I have been blessed with several friendships that have grown from people who were there for me when I needed them. One of these friends I met several years ago at a Crohn’s and Colitis support group. We have given each other pep talks before surgery. And, we have talked each other through the rough times after surgery. When we’re both doing well, we meet for lunch and compare “war stories”. I also have a friend who has become a mentor on my faith journey. We can all be a mentor to someone. And, we should all seek out a mentor. The people who cross our paths, cross for a reason. They were put into our lives for one of two reasons . . . to help us or for us to help them.

As I write this, another person comes to mind. I have a friend from college who, at that time, was not much more than a friend of a friend. Since college, we have taken similar paths and have become friends. We’re actually accountability partners and have helped each other tremendously.

Different friends in different seasons for different reasons.

Reflection: When you meet someone, remember, your paths crossed for a reason.

“You’re lazy! All you do is lay around on the couch.”

Not the words I wanted to hear. It was especially hurtful to hear those words from my son, who was probably 10 years old, at the time.

It made me stop and think. How did other people see me? Did other people think I was lazy, too? Crohn’s is what is called an invisible illness, meaning you can’t see what’s wrong. It’s also an autoimmune disease, where the body attacks itself. My son couldn’t see all this. What he could see was me lying on the couch every afternoon, taking a nap so I would have the energy to go to one of his games, later. He watched me lie down after a trip to the grocery store, too exhausted to cook dinner. And, he saw his 40 year old mom have someone else clean the house because she either had too much pain or too little energy to clean the house herself. So, maybe I did appear lazy. The outside of my body gave a different story than the inside.

An invisible illness is a two-edged sword. You work hard to not let your illness keep you from doing the things you love. You work at not looking sick. At the same time, you need people to know your limitations.

I have worked hard at not looking sick. I have kept my secret so well that many people were not aware I had a chronic illness until I have surgery or am in the hospital.

I worked so hard at trying to be “normal” in public that my poor family sees all the bad . . . the exhaustion, nausea, pain, and LOTS of time in the bathroom. Gradually, I have learned to pace myself, get enough rest and to stop before I hit my wall. Being honest with others about my illness has helped, too.

I still keep my illness hidden from most people. Only my family and really close friends see the “behind the scenes” parts of my life.

*Writing this blog is a big step in revealing the “behind the scenes” parts of my life. But, I have realized people can’t help with what they don’t know about. And, you can’t have prayers lifted up on your behalf if no one knows what is going on.

Reflection: Do you keep your “illness” hidden? Who sees the real you? Illness, or not, we all keep a part of ourselves “invisible”.

How many times have you heard the phrase, “New Year, New You”? Every year, we all make plans to start over in the new year. We act as if a new calendar is a clean slate and when we flip the page from December to January, life magically starts over.

No magical calendars. Every day is a gift and we make our own magic. When you have a chronic illness like Crohn’s, your goals for the new year are a little different. A new calendar brings thoughts like . . . Will I have another surgery, this year? Or, is this the year I stay out of the hospital? What new medicines will I start? What medicines will quit working? What new symptoms will I develop?

For me, a lot of years, January did mean surgery. Thankfully, that is not the case, this year. However, I do have a procedure in a few days. One complication of Crohn’s is chronic strictures.

Strictures are a narrowing of the intestine. Strictures can be caused when scar tissue builds up. I have a procedure every three to four months to dilate the stricture. It’s a simple outpatient procedure with anesthesia.

So, not a new me in the new year. But, I get to feel better for a few months.

There’s more than one way to be a new you for the new year. All makeovers are not physical.

Rather than change the outward you, change the inner you. When you have a positive outlook, you smile more. And, there’s not much that’s more attractive than a nice smile. When your smile comes from the inside, not even a mask can hide the glow of a positive attitude.

Reflection: What magic will you create in the new year? Carry the best of 2020 into the new year . . . whatever that means for you.

How many of us have heard the word Sabbath and thought of it as just a religious word. It is. But, there’s more to it than that. Sabbath does mean a day of religious observance and abstinence of work, kept by Jewish people from Friday evening to Sunday evening, and by most Christians on Sunday.

To observe the Sabbath means to take a true day of rest. Who of us really does that? We are all so busy running here and there. We work, volunteer, cook, clean, take care of our family . . . we do everything and take care of everyone else. But, do any of us really take care of ourselves?

One advantage of having a chronic illness is that you are forced to rest. Many times over the years, I have been reminded that I am not invincible. Another hazard of having a chronic illness is trying to do EVERYTHING when you feel good. I have found out the hard way when it’s time to take a rest stop. And, by rest stop, I mean I keep going until I can go no more, then I stop and rest. There is no shame in taking time to re-charge your batteries. This year, I have found a new way to re-charge. My cousin gave me an adult coloring book for my birthday. Coloring is very relaxing! I had forgotten how much I love to color. We all need to discover new ways to relax and re-charge. Remember . . . “Yesterday is the past. Tomorrow is the future. But, today is a gift. That’s why they call it the present.” Use that gift to take care of yourself.

Sometimes life slaps us with a BIG reminder of where our priorities should lie. Without rest we cannot take care of the rest of our family. Crohn’s hit me with a BIG reminder for rest, this week. Most Sundays are bad days for my Crohn’s. I tend to do a lot when I’m feeling good. So, by the weekend, it all catches up with me. OR, sometimes, I think it’s part of God’s plan for me to need a day of rest on the Sabbath.

Reflection: What is God trying to tell you? Do you need a day of rest?

The phrase “it takes a village” was born in the early 90’s in reference to raising a family. While it does take a lot of help to raise children, I’m going to take the phrase in a different direction.

The village I’m talking about is a Christmas village. Years ago, my husband’s aunt gave me a Christmas village for my birthday (December 1st). With a December birthday, I get a lot of Christmas decorations as birthday gifts. The Christmas village quickly became one of my most treasured gifts.

Christmastime is my favorite time of the year. December 2014 was my favorite Christmas. I had major surgery January 2015. Between January and April of 2015, I was in the hospital three times for two major surgeries and an infection, plus, a couple more outpatient surgeries. With all of that looming in the new year, you would think it would be a depressing month, but it was an amazing Christmas! I was very intentional with my time . . . time spent with family and friends.

My children were 16 and 9, at the time. They helped more with Christmas decorating that year than years past. Matt took over the job of putting out the Christmas village. It has been his job since then.

So, each year when the big box comes out of the closet, I put it aside for Matt. Many thoughts run through my mind when I look at the village displayed in my family room. I’m glad that job has been passed on. I’m also sad and in awe that my teenage son had to takeover part of the decorating duties for his mom.

Reflection: It takes a village for us to realize we can’t do it all. What’s one thing you can let go of? What can you delegate to someone else, this Christmas?