One Step Back, Two Steps Forward

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Crohn’s disease and other invisible illnesses lead to lots of loss – dignity, hope, self-confidence. Physical loss, too – colon, appendix, part of your small intestine, etc. The lists of losses grows each year. You lose time with family and friends. Eventually, you lose a job or career. You definitely lose your energy – your get up and go is gone.

For every step backward, you gain two steps forward. In other words, there is a silver lining to each downside of the disease.

Without Crohn’s disease and the struggles associated with it, I would not be the person I am today. Twenty-five years ago, when I was first diagnosed, I was very self-conscious and not at all confident in myself. Now, I’m an advocate for other patients, helping them any way I can.

Several years ago, I quit working full time due to my illness. The disease had progressed to the point that I was going to the restroom almost 30 times a day. I had to nap every afternoon to recharge for my evening chores. And, even tasks as simple as weekly grocery shopping had become impossible to complete on my own.

I swallowed my pride and applied for Social Security Disability. This was one of the most difficult aspects of the disease to accept. Even though I was the one suffering from this disease (15 years at this point), I was having trouble accepting that I needed to apply for disability. I felt there was a stigma attached to “being on disability”. There are many types of disability. To the average person, I do not look like I’m “on disability”. I perform daily tasks. But, basic activities drain my energy. Household chores others may do in an afternoon might take me all week to complete.

So, with the encouragement of my husband, I applied for Social Security Disability. My first application was denied. I learned this is typical for everyone. With the help of a great lawyer, I was able to appeal and win my disability benefits.

I have kept the fact that I am “on disability” a secret for years. I realize now that I cannot be an advocate for invisible illness without also being an advocate for invisible disabilities. Now that my secret is out, I hope others will see that all disabilities do not look the same disabled can still be a good life.

Crohn’s is my one step back. Disability and silver linings are my two steps forward. I would not have been able to be a stay at home mom for the last ten years without having disability and a chronic disease. For that reason, I am thankful for Crohn’s.

My marriage has become stronger through this journey, too. And, I have met some great people and formed lifelong friendships.

The biggest gain on this journey has been my faith. Major life events will either shake your faith or strengthen it. I have never asked “why me?” Crohn’s is the tool I was given to help others.

Reflection: What have you been given that you can use as a ministry to help others?